Anxiety or Nervousness?

Have you ever been at a stage in life where with constant rejections and failures, your mind reaches a threshold. With every submission, every application, or any sort of step you take in your life which is prone to transitions, the first thought which strikes your mind is FEAR. You instantly become fearful of the future and completely doubtful of what the upcoming stages and time holds for you.

I did my first official paper manuscript submission today. The research was carried out in August - November 2023. The manuscript was actually prepared for presentation in an international conference at IIT BHU. The conference presentation had gone well and there was a good potential for the publication of that manuscript in a good journal. However, as it may be, when the luck's not in your favor, you will struggle at each stage. 

After almost a year of hopes and faiths, what ultimately came in light was the manuscript was not accepted in the promised journal. Only a few of the lot from that conference was processed through for further stages. So the first rejection of HOPE.

Then came a long tiring process of 5-6 months just changing data, editing figures, writing whole text and manuscript from scratch preparing for an entirely fresh submission. In past 1 month it was revised 4-5 times after constant insults, scoldings, taunts, and demeaning attitude thrown by my supervisor.

And here I was today. I submitted the manuscript. With God's grace, supervisor also aided in faster processing of the submission, which in itself is a long tiresome process, requiring tons of permissions and declaration. Now when I had the first PDF of the draft, my mind and heart was ANXIOUS and FEARFUL. It was anxious related to the authenticity of all the declarations and promises related to my research and the data. I inside feel numb, and have doubts regarding my own emotions, whether it is anxiety, fear, or happiness. I was bit excited before the submission, but now I don't know the quality or state of my own mind. I am fearful. Mainly I guess, due to the tremendous amount of uncertainty for my future. 

Whether the manuscript will be accepted?

Whether there will be lot of review comments and eventual taunts and scoldings from my guide?

If not accepted, then how long will it take for me to finish PhD? Will I be able to grab a permanent opportunity, something financially good and appeasing, before marriage and father's retirement?

What holds for me and my loved ones in the next 10 months?

What will happen after June/July when my stipend will stop?