Gloomy days dairies

Some days are gloomy some aren't. Difficult times and phases are hard to pass by. 

Sister has back papers. 7 back papers. Her degree was supposed to be finished by August last year. Most of her batchmates are placed and leading a settled life serving parents keeping them happy and healthy. While here is she. Still struggling with subjective college exam papers, still immature, toxic, erratic, and mannerless, and still living in own delusional selfish world treating parents like shit while drowned in plethora of fake ego at the same time. 

Sometimes I so feel deeply that we both have failed our parents. We both have failed as a good kids, those who could provide them peace, comfort, and most importantly a good respect in the society which they have always craved for and which infact they so well deserve. 

Our parents have done what not for our comfort, our needs, and have sacrificed so much in terms of health, mental peace, time, and relationships just for the sake of our studies, good career, and successful life. How are we both repaying them. 

I am still in the struggling phase at the age of 31. PhD! Really? This sucks. If you don't have a good financial family background, and your PhD involves lot of expenses and sacrifices in terms of distance from parents, mental health, and additiinal traumas, then I would never suggest you to pursue it. 

Plus if your the elder kid of your family and their are many responsibilities and expectations associated with you from the parents and relatives, just grab a job in time and get into it with full dedication trying to make the best life out of it. 

PhD has lot of uncertainties and instabilities associated with it. 

Though the topic I am pursuing my research in has lot and lot of scope in the coming future. I can contribute alot. Yet, the current scenario, the amenities, the facilities, and the guide and institute support has lot of concerns associated which I cannot even discuss with anyone considering the traumaa and stress it may put on others be it my parents, sister, or my girlfriend. 

This year is extremely crucial. I cannot be casual and cannot take rest. Yet I am here. Drowned in my addicitions and bad habits. With deteriorating health issues as well as mental traumas. Let's see what life has for me in the coming future. 

Hope things fall into place soon. Trying to be faithful and keeping hopes high. Though I keep letting my gods fail multiple times in a week due to my bad habits and mental relinquishes. Yet I won't give up. 

Jai hanuman | Hate krishna | Jai shree ram 🙏