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Gloomy days dairies

Some days are gloomy, and some aren't. Difficult times and phases are hard to pass by.

Sister has back papers. Seven back papers. Her degree was supposed to be finished by August last year. Most of her batchmates are placed and leading a settled life serving parents, keeping them happy and healthy while she is. She is still struggling with subjective college exam papers, still immature, toxic, erratic, and mannerless, and still living in her own delusional, selfish world, treating her parents like shit while drowning in a plethora of fake egos at the same time.

Sometimes, I sincerely feel that we both have failed our parents. We both have failed as good kids, those who could provide them peace, comfort, and most importantly, good respect in society, which they have always craved and which, in fact, they so well deserve.

Our parents have done what not, for our comfort and our needs. They have sacrificed so much in terms of health, mental peace, time, and relationships just for the sake of our studies, good careers, and successful lives. How are we both repaying them?

I am still in the struggling phase at the age of 31. PhD! Really? This sucks. If you don't have a good financial family background, and your  PhD involves a lot of expenses and sacrifices in terms of distance from parents, mental health, and additional traumas, then I would never suggest you pursue it.

Plus, if you are the elder kid of your family and there are many responsibilities and expectations associated with you from the parents and relatives, just grab a job in time and get into it with full dedication, trying to make the best life out of it.

My PhD has a lot of uncertainties and instabilities associated with it.

The topic I am pursuing for my research has a lot of scope in the future. I can contribute a lot. Yet, the current scenario, the amenities, the facilities, and the guide and institute support have a lot of associated concerns, which I cannot even discuss with anyone considering the trauma and stress it may put on others, be it my parents, sister, or my girlfriend.

This year is extremely crucial. I cannot be casual and cannot take a rest. Yet I am here. Drowned in my addictions and bad habits. With deteriorating health issues as well as mental traumas. Let's see what life has for me in the coming future.

Hope things fall into place soon. Trying to be faithful and keeping hopes high. However, I keep letting my gods fail multiple times a week due to my bad habits and mental relinquishes. Yet I won't give up.

Jai Hanuman | Hare Krishna | Jai Shree Ram 🙏

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