The Day when I Almost committed suicide...:-(

11th May 2012

Exactly a month ago I gave IIT-JEE {the topmost and the toughest engineering entrance exam in INDIA}.This was the second attempt, after lots of scolding, guts, motivation, hard work and dedication which I have been through for a year. I thought of IIT while eating, drinking, smoking, walking, sitting, running, thinking, speaking, even while sanitation....in fact almost while whatever I did. I did everything to avoid even the smallest mistakes, worked hard, clarified all concepts, but even after complete dedication I could not perform quite well....:-(...
It hurts a lot when your dreams are broken, wishes are unfulfilled. I felt soulless. It was the same feeling like seeing your Ferrari being crushed by a truck in front of your eyes and you could not do anything...:-(...
But still however this time I managed to gather some courage and move on. My next Target was by hook or by crook...I had to do well in BITSAT and get entry into it...!!..There was exactly one month time..But few things went wrong like The IPL mystery, the internet history and once again I was at the same stage :

10th May 2012, 6:00 A.M

[Traveled  alone via train for just the second time in my life...to reach my exam center. My parents were quite afraid regarding my journey. I had decided to travel alone and reside at my Aunt's house who lived in the same city where my exam center was allotted . So obviously as soon as I landed safely into my Aunt's house My Mom called]

Conversation between my Mom and my Aunt :

MOM : Didi{big sister}..!! Antash reached safely..??

AUNT : Yeah..! He landed safely here...All's well. Nothing to worry.

MOM : Now I am quite positive about allowing him to travel alone..:-)...!

Aunt : I had been telling you this thing since a long time to allow him to travel alone. But You both {my father and mother} are always so worried about him that you can't afford to send him anywhere far from your eyes. This is gonna turn him into a dumb guy, dependent man...He won't be able to take his major decisions independently and would not be able to succeed. You should make him more self dependent.

MOM : Yeah ..!! You are right Didi..!!..But now I can relax that he reached safely..!!...We can send him alone now... anywhere...comfortably..!!

Aunt : Yeah ..!! Now tell me what does he like's to eat in vegetable so I can cook a nice yummy one for him right now...After all he has made a long journey alone without any problem...:-)...

MOM : Oh..!!..Don't take any pressure..Cook anything..He doesn't makes much complain..:-D

Aunt : You are just being formal...Don't be such formal with your own sister...After all he is like my fourth son [My Aunt owns 3 sons..:-)]....

MOM : {laughs}...I am not being formal Didi...Its just that you are a heart patient.So you need rest and not much workload..!!..

Aunt : Oh..Common..Cooking food for my children always makes me feel more healthier...{both of them giggle}....[AUNT turning to me]...You tell yourself Beta{son}..What will like to eat today..

ME : Anything Aunty..!!..A nice simple Lunch would be nice...:-D

Aunt : Oh common...You are so much like your mother...always shy and formal..Let me make some butter chicken today...:-D...Look at yourself ..you look so starved...skinny...make some nice six packs abs..its in fashion...[passes me the phone]

Me : Hey MOM..<3.....!!

MOM : Hi Beta..!!..reached safely??...Had a nice journey..?

Me : Yeah...!!..a nice one..had nothing to do..So just slept...:-)

MOM : :-)....Your exam's tomorrow...right..So get fresh and perform well...BEST OF LUCK..Our wishes always with you son..We know that you have a lot of talent and if you set your goals perfectly..You can defeat any monstrous exams...and indeed excel in that..:-D

Me : Thanks Mom..Hope this time I do well And make it to some good reputed college..!!

MOM..: Just do your best...Don't think about the results.. just about your performance..You will win all the battles of life easily..My wishes are with you son..always..

Me : OK MoM..!!..Will try my best..

MOM : That's like my brave son..do well beta ..all hopes and wishes with you Beta...BYE...Take care..!!

Me : Bye Mom..!!  
____________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________
{A day later, in the examination hall Of BITSAT 2012, before the exam started}

I was chanting names of all those mighty lords whom I could remember..

Me : Om Namah Shivaya, Om hanumante namo namah...Oh God..Please save me this time..I wanna get into this college anyhow...Please help me god..I will do ...bla,...bla..blah....and many more chants...and wishes...

{After 3 hours}

Me {to myself} : Common man...Just 2 minutes left...Hover over your answers and take a look over your silly mistakes which you always commit..Common be fast...not much time left.

I was attempting the last question and according to me I performed well till that time..because I solved many questions and got one of the four choices as my answer, mathematically as well as analytically depending on questions respectively..So I was expecting a high score this time...I was a bit happy from inside...because after IITs, BITS Pilani's considered the second most prestigious institute in this country ..So I increased my speed and started clicking quickly over the questions on the monitor and hovering over their answers...

{SOON}

Invigilator : Please stop everybody..Stop clicking and wait for your computers to save your answers and display results...

I stopped at once and started chanting the names of Gods and Goddess...!!...

Invigilator : Please click on continue to see your results and print scorecards...!!

After screaming the name of my most trusted god in my mind I clicked CONTINUE.......!!!
_________________________________________________________________________________

The history had repeated itself...Once again I had screwed everything...:-(.....255/450...missed the entry by just 18 numbers..:-(...{273 is cutoff for BITS-Hyderabad}....

Again the same feelings started arising like they did last year...the feeling of being soulless, lifeless, heartless, brainless....like that of a CORPSE....This time, just the difference was that the feelings brought some suicidal tendencies too..!!..and I started feeling like..."I am good for nothing.I do not deserve to live...I should just end my life."...Such thoughts and feelings...flowed like an ocean wave in my mind...I was not able to control my feelings...my nervous system...I had always been weak in this part...,always finding it difficult to control my nerves and hormones..!!...I was in shock, despair, lost, in deep sorrow....completely broke down...!!..I was unable to think what should I do next...???...what should I tell my parents,...?? How would I reply my Aunt??..What should I say to my brother who was on his  
way to pick me up..??..My condition was horrible..like that of a deer in front of a lion..!!..I decided that I would not go home and walk away alone..not thinking about where to go...JUST WALK TILL THE WORLD ENDS....!!...
...I came out of the exam center with the scorecard printout in one hand,and bag in another...I looked out for my brother here and there...and when got satisfied that he hasn't arrived yet...I decided to silently walk away...as FAR as I could...!!
I crossed the road and started walking...There were many students around me..walking back to their home....

A GIRL {to her mother} : MoM..!!..I am really happy...I got selected..I have received 307/450....nice na...

Her MOTHER : Yeah..!! Its really nice BETA...!!..I am proud of you..completely rejoiced right now..I can't express my feelings in words to you..{to some other woman who was walking along with them}....It was really difficult for my daughter to crack it in her 1st attempt..But I had complete faith in her that she will perform well...and You can see the results...!!..:-)

Those two were talking...while they were just behind me..on my way..!!...And that conversation made me feel even worse...I started thinking that the girl made it in her 1st attempt only...and even after dropping for a year..I can't make it..!!...I am worthless..I have made my parents feel awkward..have spoilt their name..!!...I should not live..I should just leave...Leave this world..!!!

CONTINUED......!!!....