18th May 2012, Friday
One of the black Fridays of my life but if all considered at once, this was the worst one. IIT JEE 2012 results were going to be declared. My MOM had been calling my Dad since morning. We were out of town busy with another entrance exam, ranked bit lower than IIT though...
MOM : Where were You ? I had been trying your cell since 4 in the morning !!
DAD : Ah..!!..we were in dreams at that time.....:-)...
MoM : But still can't you hear the ringtone ?
DAD : Sorry ..!! It was in silent mode..
MoM : Did you search for the IIT results ?
DAD : It's still 7 in the morning. They would be declared at 10:00 A.M.
MoM : Where's Betu ? [she calls me Betu with love]
DAD : Oh..!!..He is still sleeping..Slept late last night. He was studying for today's exam. These Government institutions ...I tell You..!!..They don't provide the center you have filled in the application form and allot those places which are far away. A lot of travelling had made me feel sick and tired.
_______________________________________________________________________________
{After few hours...}
JCECE 2012 exam was going to start. At the same time IIT JEE results were declared..On one side I was attempting my exam paper and on the other side I was thinking of my IIT results. On one hand I was busy solving Maths section {Ooh..the name itself makes me blush..I love it...}, while on the other hand my father was busy receiving phone calls from all my relatives and specially from my mother. My Mom was the most worried person eagerly waiting for my results. And yeah the eagerness suited her because she was the one who had been dreaming of my success and my entry into the best college since I wasn't even born. After all, she was the one who worked hard, even harder than me for my success. Whether it was day or night, she always wished that I perform well, succeed in my life and always prayed to god to try some miracles out there in my exams. But someone had quoted it perfectly that "GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELPS THEMSELVES..!!"..The same was the case with me. I had worked hard, tried my level best but still I had somewhere in my mind that I have not lived up to my own expectations and I had committed some mistakes which would turn out to be fatal. Anyways as soon as JCECE exam ended, we [Dad and me] headed for our hometown. And Dad decided to travel via bus, as the trains were overcrowded due to exam time. So another battle of luck with time took place. Bus takes much more time than trains. So even If the bus was running at its best pace, it was loosing its battle against train...and so do against my heart's pumping pace too. It seemed to me at that time as if my luck, heart, brain and time were competing against each other in a 100 meter race.
{ P.S : The commentary for the race as follow :
And as we can see that TIME has taken a great lead over the other competitors. BRAIN's still in competition with TIME. HEART and LUCK seems like loosing their pace. Both of them trying their best to remain in the league. But oh...!!..What is this...!!...As People can see LUCK has given up all his hope and forfeits the race. But HEART's still running at his best, gathering all his courage. Oh...!!..lovely.!!.HEART has increased his pace at a tremendous rate and Oh..!!...wtf is this...??.Its surpassing BRAIN..and TIME..Now all the three participants running almost in a row, at the same Pace..And ...And..HEART's trying to surpass other...But oh...!!..Its so unfair...BRAIN has kicked HEART'S ass. and he has fallen badly..bruising all his arms and knees...He is bleeding badly..and so BRAIN has been disqualified and henceforth TIME wins the race...What a lucky win for him, but the fact is LUCK himself forfeited the race....
.......}
The same was happening in my life.My heart was bleeding badly. Brain was stabbing my Heart with a knife, badly into pieces and luck didn't have any hope..and time was winning the one-sided battle. I kept thinking of my results, its effect and what could have been done, and what should be done. I thought of all these facts throughout my journey. At last when I reached my home, as soon as I kept my foot in house Mom told me to get fresh and look for my results ASAP. I did as she said and surfed the most surfed search engine. My Mom and I kept chanting names of different Gods and Goddess. And after chanting few more God's name, at last with a deep breath and a bleeding heart I clicked 'SUBMIT'.
_______________________________________________________________________________
A deep silence in the room which accompanied a bunch of few people. It consisted of my Mom, Me, My sister, My dad, and my Granny. But in spite of almost half a dozen people present nobody spoke. The room was completely in dark silence."I DID NOT QUALIFY". I failed to live up to my Dad's expectation, I failed to fulfill my Mom's two decades old dream. My heart was thrashed into uncountable pieces. My pipes choked, brain was stunned , heart sank , and my LIFE STOPPED....
My Mom kept motivating me but I knew that my failure had brought more sorrow for her than for me. I knew that she was feeling more worse than me. Still being a mother she was trying her best to stop me from falling down, crying and lamenting.
MoM : Its not he end of the world Beta [son]....I know you tried your best..You did all you could do to fulfill my dream. But God doesn't always fulfill wishes..He might have written something more better in your fate..That's why he have not given what we all desired. Still don't loose hopes.
Me : ........[deep silence]....[tears flowing through my eyes]...{hix...hix...hix}
MoM : Don't cry Beta....After all its among the toughest exam in India...It selects only the creamy layer...Don't cry over what happened....be happy that it happened..Learn from it and move further...Your target is not this..It was one of the step towards your target..Assume that..you just slipped or jumped over that step..there's still a large world outside..Beside this exam you have qualified in all other exams..so don't be stressed and ruin your health ...........:-'(..............say something
Me : [silence...tears flowing flawlessly... ]..hix..hix..hix..[voice choked...words not coming out..it seemed like My vocal chords were shot with a bullet...]
MoM : ..Why are you not speaking anything...Be strong...There are lot of example who have performed well after they failed in their first few attempts...You can take the example of your own idols ...Albert Einstein..and Thomas Edison..You speak a lot about their greatness but don't you learn anything from their life..Learn from your failure and move on..There's still lot of things you need to achieve..Its not the END...!!..
But it was ...For me...!!...I had been dreaming of studying in this college since I was in primary school....I never gave up in my preparation..I always had the confidence in me that 'I can do it' ...But at the last moment...some mistakes..some fucking few mistakes ruined my lifelong dream...My world had collapsed...I wasn't able to think,to talk,to move ...It appeared as if I had turned into a corpse [dead body]..I wasn't able to feel anything else except sorrow, eat anything else except pain , drink anything except failure ...and see anything see anything else my dead body...The world had ended for me...the time had stopped for me..and so did my heart....Just some fucking thoughts were buzzing in my mind.....'I let my parent's hopes down','I crashed my Mom's dream','I screwed my whole life through my own hands...'....I wanted to hurt myself badly...cut my heart,my brain..every part of my body into pieces...I wanted to DIE ...badly...!!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________
My mother took me into her lap...and kept consoling me...and I kept crying...and kept crying....and cried till I fell asleep...[hiz...hix...hix..]
Really touchin dude!!! Bt life can nvr stop...it just goes onn :)
ReplyDelete